So this start of the third trimester has been hard for me for some reason. Or maybe it's just today. A rough day, some mad words, and a few tears (or a lot). Sometimes I really wonder why God has given me this baby right now. I don't feel ready for her at all. Most days I feel that I can barely keep things together and stay on top of Colby. I love him, but seriously raising him is so hard. I hate when I hear people say that motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to them and then I think when will I feel that way? There are so many times when I really wish I had waited a little longer to have kids, but then again would that really have helped. Probably not, I think it's just me, I need to change. Maybe that is why I am having a baby. So I can realize my imperfections and strive to change them. But I really feel like why me and why not some other really sweet mom that really wants a baby. Why would God pick me to raise these babies, I feel very inadaquate for the job. I wish I didn't, but I do. I wish I had more patience. I feel horrible when I get upset, but somehow I can't stop from getting upset. And it's over such little things, but things I'm just so tired of dealing with. Maybe someday I'll feel like being a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me, I really hope so. I love my babies I really do, but it's hard to do it all. Anytime I get frustrated all I think about is how much worse it's going to be in three months when this little girl is here. I just hope I can handle it.
2 Thoughts From Friends:
Gosh, it is SOOOO, seriously, SOOOOOOO hard to be a mom. it's not always bright and cheery, in fact, I might dare say that most of the time it so isn't cheery. But then there are those few times, that your baby is so sweet, ro does the cutest thing on this earth, and you wonder where you might ever be without them.
It's like you can't ever know how great something is until you know how horrible something else is. Motherhood is the ultimate of that. I have had such a hard time after having baby #4, and I get angry sometimes thinking that it wasn't fair, and I don't like it. Yet, when you get to have that most awesome moment, you then can realize that you endured all those terrible times for that one, short, peak of true chearfulness. In the end it's totally worth it.
So, it might all seem terrible right now, but once you have her, you'll know why you had to endure all these months of pregnancy. And then when it seems hard to have 2 kids, something will happen and you'll know that you made it happen, because you stuck it out.
Good luck!
Not that I have any good advice, but Jon was telling me that when his little sister Catie was born that he didn't want her at all. He was so mad that his parents had another baby at all. And now she's his favorite sibling, and they are so close. He even says about all his siblings, even though sometimes he doesn't want them, he can't imagine his family without them.
I can kind of see his point. Maybe right now you can think that it would be better if Colby and Baby #2 had a different mom, but there is seriously no one better to raise these kids. They were meant for you, and you for them. I am a strong believer in that, and I know someday you'll see the big picture, and you won't be able to imagine your life without them.
I personally can't imagine my life without you guys. I mean what if we didn't have Whitto? Our family dynamics would be way different.
I also struggle with wanting to have kids or not, because I know my little family will change so much with it. We can't be so afraid of change. In fact, change is the only constant thing...things will always change.
I wish you the best in this and I miss you so much. Wish I was closer to help out. Love you.
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